


Cat Food

by Lyra_Kero



Series: Taakitz and their Cats [1]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Casual Makeout Sessions, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Humor, I don't know man, I'm Bad At Tagging, Is this a Modern-with-Magic AU?, Is this an after canon fic?, Living Together, Living with Cats, M/M, No Beta, Taller Taako
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-12 12:11:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19131775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lyra_Kero/pseuds/Lyra_Kero
Summary: The cat food bag is emptier than it should be. Taako knows this. And he has a suspicion that their two cats are up to some sneaky business.Kravitz just wants to go back to sleep.





	Cat Food

**Author's Note:**

> Wherein I have an idea for a fic, laugh at it, write it out, then promptly spend three days trying to name it before giving up and posting it anyway.

“Absolutely not.” Taako leveled a look, face scrunched in a frown. He balanced himself perfectly in his crouched position, arms crossed. “No means no.”

Two sets of eyes slowly blinked, staring back to him.

“Don’t.” his eyes narrowed, shoulders shifting higher. “You know the rules. Don’t try and out stubborn me. You won’t win.”

 

“Taako?” Kravitz stood in the entryway to the kitchen, hair ruffled and tousled with sleep. “What are you doing?”

“Asserting my dominance.” Taako never once pulled his eyes from the ground. “You two have been fed already. You’re not getting more food.”

 

The two cats in front of him meowed, turning their gaze towards the other man. They stood up, movements seemingly synchronized and practiced as they stalked over, weaving in between Kravitz’s legs.

 

Taako huffed, standing up and stretched his legs. “Stop that. He won’t feed you, either.” his placed his hands on his hips. “You two have been fed and I watched you two inhale that food. You have no one to blame but yourselves.”

Hades meowed louder, Persephone amped up the charm and purred harder, weaving herself tighter against the other cat-parent’s legs.

 

“I’m afraid, if you two have already been fed, then you’re going to have to wait.” Kravitz smiled, carefully moving over to where the elf was now pulling out ingredients to make breakfast. He heard a quiet snort as he wrapped his arms around Taako’s waist, pulling him backwards just enough to bury his face into his boyfriend’s shoulder blade. The elf glanced over his shoulder, smile wide and beautiful.

“Are you trying to butter me up for food, now?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. The reaper made a quiet grunt, and Taako burst into a laughing fit. He wiggled slightly, and Kravitz took the hint, loosening his hold so the taller man could turn around and drape his arms across his shoulders. “You’re going to have to do better than that, bubula.” he teased, leaning down to press his forehead against Kravitz’s.

 

They kissed, Taako’s back getting pressed into the counter at some point, his leg curling around his boyfriend’s thigh, the other staying planted on the floor. His toes curled as the kiss deepened, his fingers tugging and pulling Kravitz closer.

 

Taako shouted out, jerking himself backwards, long limbs flailing as he scrambled up onto the counter top, both legs spread and held up. He looked over a confused Kravitz’s shoulder to the two monsters who had just attacked his feet.

“Sir Meowsalot! _Missus_ Fussybritches!” he hissed, “My feet are not your toys!”

“I’m pretty sure they attack you because you insist on calling them that.” his boyfriend smiled, refusing to help. He further proved his traitorous ways by leaning down and picking up the larger, huskier of the two cats. “Persephone has a beautiful name and she’d like for you to use it.” The cat purred loudly as she was gently scratched under the chin.

 

“Missus Fussybritches can deal and she should learn her new name.” Taako crossed his arms, and legs, keeping himself perched high out of range. “She lives up to it enough, anyway.”

 

“I’m sure she’s just grumpy since you don’t feed her very often.” Kravitz said, off hand, looking down as Hades meowed up a storm, his small, lithe body weaving like smoke between his legs. When Taako didn’t say anything in an adequate amount of time, he looked over, and saw that the elf’s face was one of confusion.

 

“Uh, no, homie.” he said, “I feed those little monsters every day.” he pointed down to the food bowls, where they lay empty. “They’re little fantasy Hoovers with their food. That’s why Fussybritches is so fat. She probably eats Sir Meowsalot’s food too.”

 

Kravitz frowned a bit. “You haven’t fed them lately. Today notwithstanding, of course.”

 

“Krav. Babe. Darling.” Taako narrowed his eyes, head tilted just slightly up in a pose that Kravitz knew was one of pride. A pose he took when he was wordlessly saying _tell me I’m wrong_. “I feed them. Every. Day. I leave you a note.”

“Note?” Kravitz had stopped petting Persephone, the cat’s purrs stopped. She squirmed, huffing and kicking her back legs before wiggling out of his hold and jumped down with a loud _thump_. “Taako… I haven’t been getting any notes.”

 

“What?” Taako finally jumped off the counter, his bare feet padding across the linoleum as he paced. “I feed the cats, and I leave you a note _saying_ I fed the cats!” He turned, pointing to the fridge. “I put it right there. Because I know you always go straight to the fridge as soon as you're conscious enough to walk in here.”

 

“I know you left a few notes before.” Kravitz spoke, watching as the elf continued to pace. “But I haven’t seen any in the past few weeks.”

“Few weeks…” Taako stopped his pacing. “Krav, I’ve never stopped writing them!” He threw his hands up into the air, shirt sliding off his shoulder in his hysterical dramatics. “ _Are you telling me you’ve been feeding them after I already fed them for the past few weeks?!_ ”

“I didn’t know you already fed them!” Kravitz shot back, his own hands throwing out to the sides in his own dramatic hysterics. “If I’d have seen a note I wouldn’t feed them after you leave!”

“ _I do leave you a note!_ ” Taako’s voice rose, cracking half way through his sentence.

 

Twin meows echoed in the kitchen, drawing the two men’s attention back down. The cats were sitting together, tails curled around them. Hades meowed again, standing back up and circled around to his food dish. Persephone, instead, laid down on the floor, curling and rolling her body as if she was in the throes of hunger.

 

Taako and Kravitz looked at the two, before sharing a look. The elf raised an eyebrow, and Kravitz scoffed. “They’re _cats._ ”

“They’re crafty little bastards, is what they are.”

 

“Taako, I doubt they’re clever enough to--”

Hades meowed louder.

“We’ll see about that, bone daddy.” Taako turned, going back to the counter and began to set up for breakfast. Kravitz turned, looking to the two cats, both of whom were giving him pleading looks. He sighed, going over to the coffee pot to get some caffeine in him.

 

 

 

 

“Taako, you’re being ridiculous.” Kravitz huffed, crossing his arms. He was sitting on their bed, Taako braiding his hair before throwing it up into a loose bun. It took _at least_ ten pins to keep it in place. How Taako didn’t lose a single one was a magic that Taako seemed to excel in.

 

“I’m telling you, those little shits are conning us out of our gold.” the elf stood from the vanity, smoothing out his clothes before grabbing his overly large wizard hat ( _“it adds two feet, Krav!” “you’re already five inches taller than me.” “babe, it completes the look!”_ ) and plopped it on top of his head. “Now I’m going to feed them like normal, leave a note like normal and leave like normal. What’s _not_ like normal, however, is that I’m going to cast Arcane Eye before I leave. You’re going to do your whole spooky astral projection mumbo jumbo to spy on them as well. And we’re going to see for sure, one hundred and twenty _thousand_ percent what they’re doing.”

 

“How would the cats even get to the note in the first place if you put the note where you say you do? And, furthermore, what are they even _doing_ with the note?”

 

“That, my sweet baboo, is what we’re going to find out.” Taako winked, before walking purposefully to the bedroom door. He blew Kravitz a kiss before opening the door and closed it behind him. The reaper sighed, standing up and walked over to the door. He heard their cats meowing as soon as they were made aware of Taako.

 _“Yes, hello. Good morning, Sir Meowsalot. Missus Fussybritches.”_ the elf’s voice came. He waited a bit, hearing the faint sound of a bag being shaken and food being poured out. He waited until the meowing stopped before he sighed, taking a step back.

Might as well go along with the plan. He closed his eyes, and with a slow exhale felt his body melt, skin disappearing into bone which disappeared into nothing more than a soft, faint light of his soul. He squeezed himself out the bedroom just as he heard the front door close.

Now, it was just a waiting game.

 

Taako hummed, keeping close to home. He surveyed the kitchen, his Arcane Eye slowly roving around. He saw Fussybritches finish first, large body settling as she licked her lips, eyeing Sir Meowsalot’s food dish. However, when she tried to get closer, Sir Meowsalot retaliated with a swift swat to her face, head never leaving his bowl.

 

He caught movement out of the corner of his eye and felt that large, dopey smile spread across his face. If he was around Magnus or Merle or any one of their friends he’d squash it down, but … he was pretty certain no one would be around to see it. The faint, flickering glow of Kravitz’s soul peered around the corner of the kitchen, hovering out of the way.

 

Taako looked back down to their cats, Sir Meowsalot sitting back on his haunches, licking his own lips. Fussybritches immediately shoved her head into the other cat’s food bowl, drawing back when she realized that it was also empty.

 

For the most part, the two cats seemed content to relax, cleaning their faces and stretching out lazily. The elf felt a twinge of worry in admitting that maybe he was overthinking things and that the cats _weren’t_ conniving, manipulative shitheads when it happened.

 

The two cats moved, like clockwork, like they had done this before, _like they knew what they were doing_ , prowling over to the fridge. Fussybritches stretched, her tail swishing before he positioned herself in front of the fridge, her front half lowered, but her rear up in the air and Taako briefly thought she was presenting to the other cat before seeing that her tail was curled, covering herself. Sir Meowsalot paced after her and soon bounded forward in a burst of speed, jumped onto Fussybritches’s rump, propelling himself up to the fridge. Up to the note. And with a practiced swipe, the note was knocked off and onto the ground. As Sir Meowsalot allowed gravity to bring him back down, Fussybritches surged forward, her back feet kicking out and with a single swipe the note was lost to the unknown reaches underneath the fridge.

 

The entire show lasted six seconds. After all was said and done, the two cats moved, leaving the kitchen.

 

Taako burst back into the house, Arcane Eye dissipating just as Kravitz managed to reform his fleshy body. The elf stalked towards the two cats, who were sitting in their cat tree next to the large bay window, looking the picture of nonchalance.

 

“ _You!_ ” he shrieked, pointing his finger at the two cats. Kravitz walked behind him, eyes wide with disbelief.  
“I don’t… how…”

 

“You. Two. Little.” Taako gruffed, grabbing the brim of his hat and pulled it down around his head, his ears pinned to his head and he shrieked. “I _can not believe!!_ ”

“How did… How did they learn that?!”

 

“They’re liches!” the elf released his hat, throwing his hands up in the air. “They’re _fucking liches!_ ”

“Taako, they’re not liches.”

“ _Bullshit they’re not!_ You saw them!”

“I think they’re just well motivated by food.” the reaper said, crossing his arms. Taako groaned louder.

“That is not normal cat behaviour!”

“I would know if they were liches.” Kravitz reminded. “With how long we’ve had them, if they were liches I would have found out.”

 

“ _Then explain the bullshit we just saw!!_ ”

 

Kravitz opened his mouth, closed it. Opened it again, closed it again. Pursed his lips together in thought.

The two looked back towards their cats, who were currently curled up and had fallen asleep in the soft morning light.

 

“Not liches.” Kravitz said simply. Taako grabbed his hat, pulled it down and screeched.


End file.
